Dark roads

Dark roads
lead me on
all alone
further away
from where I've come

Every step I take
is forced by every mistake I make
Leading me into
the comforting silence
of the night

Shadows, deep treads
worn grooves in the road
by silent ones
who never again shall speak

my mind screams out
cursing the silence
the loneliness
and all the pain
that accompanies it in this
nightmarish sonata

I look down into a puddle
and see what I have become
Where are the smiles
the laughter, the joy of my beginning years?

they are gone now
lost forever
in the shadows of my heart

Long...long have
I traveled these roads
on the other side of this mirror
the mirror that is my life

Sometimes
this one way mirror cracks
so that some of me can escape
to enjoy the life I have

but the shadows are always there
taking shape and form
of biting words and stinging loneliness

and I retreat
to quiet dark roads once more
retreating...retreating......always... retreating

Long story short

I do.
I do.
The smile plastered across her face was as real as the ache in her heart. A smiling face flashed before her eyes and she banished it with a quick shake of her head.

A strong breeze ruffled the bride's dress before chasing across the grass and stealing up into the trees. It was the perfect day for a wedding. Adel smiled and watched the bride and groom go stand before the door to be congratulated by everyone. Turning to her right she smiled at her friend and together they stood up to walk over, to be the first ones to say well wishes.

“I'm so happy for you, congratulations!” Adel said with real meaning giving the groom a tight hug.
“I'm glad I got to finally meet you!” she said to the bride and gave her a hug as well. The two murmured their responses as she and her friend continued in to snack on appetizers before the dinner.

Adel played catch up, asking all the usual questions, wondering about old friends. It felt good to be in what she always considered her home state. The cool weather was just a little below comfortable due to the strong breeze, this made the sun warming her that much more pleasant. Light clouds skidded behind green trees and past large rocks that were the feature of this park. A beautiful place she thought.

The bride and groom had been married on the top of the ski hill, over looking the grassy hill and small lake below. The image that flashed into her head was not of the bride and groom but her and another man, his dark hair ruffled by breeze and that heart stealing smile on his face. She again banished these thoughts and answered her friend's question.

“Yeah, we're not together anymore...” She fired a distracting question at her friend. “How are you and yours? ...What you're not engaged yet?!”
“I think he'll ask me this summer...” was her response. Adel kept her mind firmly on conversation until the bride and groom took their places at the table up front for the meal.

Although first up to the caterer's table, Adel didn't have much of an apetite. She heaped fruit, a dinner role and some noodles onto her plate and returned to her seat. She finished her meal waiting for others to get their food and the speeches to begin.

The best man told the story of how the two met, then the groom himself followed up with a story about his wife. About the time he finished his story Adel's father texted her that her court date notice had arrived and it was going to be the first. As the day was the 30th panic stole over her, then recognition of the long drive ahead.
She stole up quietly beside the couple and told the groom she had to leave. He wished her safe journey and as she stood up and tugged her shirt into place she gave him a hug, gave her friend one as well and stole out to her car.

Once in her car, the thoughts she had tried to hold back flooded her. She was happy for her friends but it reminded her of him... Bitterness flooded her, with a strength she had not felt in a long, long time. She got the car turned on and going down the right road after a couple moments. Unfair thoughts crashed against her mind like waves crashing on a rocky shore.

Why? Why? That could have been us... his face flashed before her eyes, over lapped by the image of the two of them in wedding attire. Why couldn't he have listened to me sooner? Why couldn't I have left sooner? Maybe then I wouldn't have been pushed past my limit... and then maybe I could be with him. Her heart tightened painfully as she steered the car down the winding narrow road. I put three years... Three! Years of my life into him only to have him pull himself together when I am gone... now she gets the final result and I'm on square one. I went through too much to be with him again but GOD WHY? Why rob me of my day? She could too easily see him and her together, she could have been so happy... her fists hit the steering wheel, once, twice, three times she pounded over and over while the tears streamed her face. Why can't I escape him? I can't, won't, go back to him.. it's over. The two of them will be happy, and a part of me is glad for it... but my heart aches so. Is this part of letting go... the hurt go too? She tried to banish the bitterness, steering mindlessly until she came to the first stop sign. Numbly she turned right and headed further away. Life's not fair, I know this. My heart just likes to ignore that rule, to rant and tug and run til it can no more. She wanted him to be in front of her, to rant at him, to yell, to cry, to let him know just how unfair it all was, how much it hurt. But she couldn't. She wouldn't. It just wasn't right.

The sound of her phone dragged her away from her thoughts. As she hit the highway with a half full gas tank she looked at the text again, the 1st of July... not June. She sighed, not too upset for being able to leave but not happy to miss the rest of the wedding. It would be late when she got home and her soul felt so weary. Plugging in her ipod she pulled up a play list and listening to the music she drove into the night.

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bone and other various parts. So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess and to stop the muscle that makes us confess, and we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable breakable breakable girls and boys...

Counting

Kittens, kittens in my basket
How many are there? I dare you, ask it!
One, two, three, four,
are crying for milk (always wanting more!)
Five and six are stout mates
Seven and eight can't stand to wait
Nine is lonely, looking for ten,
There he is! Carried by Ben.

2008

W

Wind wisping over water
Whipping o'er the waves
Washing 'way all weakness
Winding down the way
Whispering to the willows
Willing winter's wilting
Whirling 'cross the world
With words of wrath and war
Weaving through my window
Waiting while i work
Whistling through the walls
Wishing I would wake

Wraith-like waif of whimsy
Wandering without worry
Wearing wings of white
Watching wicked weep
while wily wit will write
Whys & Whats, who's & where's
Whales with wheels
Wide wobbling Walruses
Wiry wheat & wild woods;
Weeds and worms witness worth
Warming we who were well
Wanting to win
Walking westward
Wading through webs
whim waning, woes weighing
Wonder warding wistfulness

Whole weeks wasted
Waltzing with a wolf
Wedded woman wailing
Withdrawn wife whimpers
Wincing widow warns
Wizard of the Wyrm
Warrior of the witch
Wader at the wharf... wavering.

She Turns Away

Deep down we're all crazing affection
Turning round and spiraling down
Searching in the wrong direction
she turns away
she turns away

Clinging to false hope, passion
Loving quick and falling sick
Deep inside she knows she's crashin
So she turns away
she turns away

Calling fromt he left and right
Rejection
She's lost to the night
She's turned away
she turns away

Streets are empty as her heart
She tried too hard, she tried too much
So with her life she will depart
she's turned away
she's turning away

The bridge is tall, the ground below
death, but hark! a call, DO NOT FALL!
And as the wind past her blows
she turns away,
towards a new day.

River in the Sky

River in the sky
Flowing steadily by
Please cover up the blue
I don't know what to do

Right now you're soft and white
But capable of false night
Please cover up the sky
So God can't see me cry

Fill with water
heavenly tears
match my sorrow
feel my fears

River in the sky
let go of your water
and cry
for me

Silence is Golden

Silence is golden
But it seems I'm beholden
To the silence of the lambs
Hidden within their dams
They await their awakening
I leave, they've forsaken me

Silence is golden
And still I'm beholden
to innocent blood, shed
Words I have not said
Lay heavy on my conscious
The pain in you, paining us

Silence is golden
Is it really golden?
The oppressive curtain
That sinking certain
Brings me to my doom
I know I leave you soon
why nor how I can not say
I only dream of Life and pray
that you will never go away
and leave me lost, here, astray

Silence is golden
I truly am beholden
To the chains that bind
That will not break
To a land of sorrow
I can not shake...
The curse that haunts me to my door
Will take me down and find no more
Than everything I have left here
Everything that I hold dear
Dragging in the awful fear
its time for me to fly.

Home

When you're feeling tired, sleepy and alone

All a person longs for is a special place called home

A place to set your worries

To put your mind at ease

No hastling nor hurry

Just a gentle autumn breeze

After many months of wander

To find this place called home

I sat a while to ponder

On a giant mushroom's dome

I'd searched the west

With mountains high

I'd searched the east

Full of valley and sky

I'd searched the north

Through cold coniferous plains

I'd searched the south

For days without rain

I'd searched the oceans

And distant lands

Through foreign jungles

And o'er alien sands

I'd searched the grasslands

For what I lacked

I visited both of the cold polar caps

After seeing the surface

And of home not a trace

I floated up to outer space

To sparkling sky, black as night

Covered with diamonds, pinpoints of light

I flitted my way past the sun, moon, and stars

And decided to see the red dust of mars

The expanse of Jupiter, the rings of Saturn

Each an enigma with its puzzles and patterns

I looked past the planets into darkness beyond

And realized this is not where I belong

Nowhere out here whilst I did roam

Carried the distinct feeling of home

So back down to earth, then further still

The darker it got the greater the thrill

Below the surface in caverns deep

Where naught but water makes a peep

The drip, drop calming the silence whole

That it threatened to steal my very soul

So further I traveled to the core

Where the magma swirled and roared

It swept me up and spat me out,

Through an underwater volcano spout

Near the bottom I lurked until a whale

Offered me a ride on his magnificent tail

I caught my ride and up we flew

Through hundreds of shades of beautiful blue

Until the surface we did reach

Light sparkling off a white sandy beach

I swam and sat on a desert isle

And as I though I began to smile

Home is not a place you find

Its something created in your mind

And with that thought

My dream bubble popped

Back was I in my shaded glen

"Welcome back little one day dreaming again?"

I fluttered my wings with a nod and a smile

And flew off down the road about a mile

There I met a lonely man

Huffing and puffing as if he'd ran

A thousand miles

I flitted over to him and asked with a smile

"Why are you so out of breath?"

"Because I just barely escaped my death

I had to leave my life and home

I daren't go back so now I roam"

"That's odd" I said with a giggle and grin

"That this matter of home would pop up again"

He whispered "I miss my home what can I do?"

I asked curiously, "how can you miss what's a part of you?"

He looked sharply at me "What do you mean?"

So I told him of what I'd seen

The heavens and earth in all their splendor

But not one of these is a vendor

Of a little thing called home

"Its with you no matter where you roam

Its something you keep inside your heart

So you and home are never apart"

He shook his head and did not understand

I knew right there that this was a man

Who would have to learn for himself

And discover the hard way life's simple wealth's

I called as he set out the world do see

"May you find what you want to be."

Sitting InThe Red Maple

Over missing you I promised I'd never cry
And it was so easy I did not know why
Sitting in the red maple, so thought I

I still don't know why, they ebb and flow
My feelings for you subside and grow
Sitting in the red maple, so realized I

What you'd given was taken, a simple hat
gone with fury was I in a snap
Sitting in the red maple, simmered did I

Then calm ponderance o'er our memories
So many were there, like leaves on a tree
Sitting in the red maple, smiling nostalgically

With these memories came a surprising pang
And tears softly falling, a slow steady rain
Sitting in the red maple, weeping for you

The hat was returned and still did I
Sit, hunched in that maple and continue to cry
Sitting in the red maple, still crying for you

An apology with the hat did come
I put my foot in my mouth, instead of my tongue
Sitting in the red maple as he walks away

My father returns from far away
I dry my eyes on this day in may
Jumping down from the red maple to say "Hello"
The thing is, they'll never know

Black Rain

There's this bottle in my hands
People say it can take me to far away lands
Or into blissful blackness
Grant the wish of numbness
In this world of pain.

Swig and drink and chug
It pulls out all the plugs
I had on my emotions
The world moves in slow motion
Where is my black rain?

Sweet or bitter, dark or light
All meant to bring delight
So why do I feel so empty
Like everything within me
Just went down the drain?

Lights are dim, the music low
All is done, it's after the show
Drinking slow but almost done
I've almost attained sweet oblivion
The break from pain my only gain.

Cloves

I stand within a sunny glade
the gentle hands of a cool breeze bade
Majestic white hart to step from the brush
onto wildflowers softly crushed
oh it smells so sweetly

That Ring

My heart was in that ring
and when you gave it to me
I held it dear
and kept it near
til like all my dreams
I had to give back that ring
because your love for me was as dead
as your words inside my head

nam

Jungle cries
saucer eyes
elephant grass
gunshot pass
trembling fear
death is near

Nearby scream
please be a dream
falling rain
searing pain
bright light
then blackest night

life

Life is like a wheel
spinning round and round
and if I stop to think of it
my life comes crashing down

My Shangri-la

Absolute perfection
never a rejection
green fields and pure blue skies
and always and answer to every "why?"
never hunger, never war
never anything to want for
Love and friendship everlasting
A social play with perfect casting
Trade for deed and deed for trade
Anything needed can be made
And underneathe te brilliant sun
Children old and young can run
carefree

Music

Music fills the soul
Makes me whole
Soothing
Moving
Sweet release
Never let the music cease

O'er the Grave of the One I Love

In this place of the departed
they come and call, the broken hearted
longing for all that has passed
Easing with the growing grass


Oh Ancient Willow must you weep
and such a lonely vigil keep
O'er the grave of the one I love?


Monumental flowers, grass
nothing in this world was meant to last
Eroding away, growing, dying
Hear the trees, hear their sighing


Oh Ancient Willow how can you keep
all sense of form, yet weep
O'er the grave of the one I love?


A meadow lark singing prettily
A sunny day your eulegy
I will dream of you and continue on
Remembering you with every dawn


Oh Ancient Willow do you still weep
in place of one who has moved on?

Yet know that within my heart I keep
Watch o'er the memory of the one I love

The snow has settled on your face
with bared hand i disturb your place
And wipe away the cold white mark
That covered your name, that covered my heart

Oh Ancient Willow weep anew
you who have been faithful and true
Watching o'er the grave of the one I love



copyright Abbey Stemmler 2005 all rights reserved

Coffee Cup

There's a person in my coffee cup
my coffee cup
MY coffee cup
it seems I have no luck

Everytime I look down she's there
Preening locks of beautiful hair
But not more beautiful than mine... so there!

And she's pretty thin... but not thinner than I
This coffee cups circumfrence is larger than my thigh
I wonder if she's ready to die... of envy.

All I ever see is her face
and her hand as she runs it 'cross her cheek
It seems she's ready to speak
At last! the due that is my place
So I lean my ear close to her face

She looked at me and stated primly
"You want to know what I see?"
"I'm everything you'll never be."

After that I switched to tea.


copyright abbey stemmler 2005 all rights reserved

Gone

I do believe I've gone insane

It was all I could do to stop the pain

Tellmy mother I love her

for now I'm above her

playing my harp upon cherubim wings



copyright abbey stemmler 2005 all rights reserved

Storm

Plip Plop, Drip Drop
Listen to the rustling leaves
Pitter Patter, Split and Splatter
Wind whispering secrets to the trees

Whirling Twirling, Hither 'n Tither
Dueling dance of wind and rain
Rising falling, sprinning grinning
Resting briefly on my pane

Flying sighing, slowly dying
Hear the rumbling call of death
Seconding echoing, crash 'n flash
One bolt of light and one last breath

copyright abbey stemmer 2004 all rights reserved

Too Late

you've gone and left me
and know I wonder how
you think that I'll be fine
but I'm really losing my mind

you think that I'm okay
but I tell you there's no way
to escape this living hell
Things get better, so they tell

you see it in my eyes
to me it's no surprise
I'm as dead as dead could be
all because you believed

those little lies I told
I must be good I had you sold
I tried not to make you worry
not to force you to hurry

but my time now has run dry
I've no more tears to cry
Alone here I am laying
dying while I'm praying

God Save Him... it's too late for me.

copyright 2004 abbey stemmler all rights reserved

Dragonfly Wings

Everything fades
the dust of dreams
on glistening soft
dragonfly wings...


copyright abbey stemmler 2004 all rights reserved

Flaxen Haired Maiden

I once knew a man suffering unrequitted love
For a flaxen haired maiden or so he told
with eyes that shone like the stars above
her value to him was beyond all earth's gold

And his love ran deep I knew
for his heart spoke to me true
who could this be with flaxen hair and skin so fair
to capture his heart and hold it there?

Unanswering his heartfelt pleas
oh I wondered who this could be
to cruelly cause of him such a mess
so I made him describe his princess

Flaxen hair an angel he said
with eyes that shone like the stars overhead
smooth as satin her skin he did dream
and perfect this creature he described did seem

Then started he from his revere
and oh so curiously looked at me
and his eyes did twinkle mischieviously

As he felt my flaxen hair
and touched my hand with skin so fair
he looked into my eyes and did tell
so saying to me, "Hello, My Angel"

Is that really what he sees? How is it that this came to be?
that this flaxen hair angel he spoke of was me?
that I was the one who captured his heart
and kept it there to tear it apart

Such a nobel creature to suffer after me
and wish did i to set him free
so I did what I could I threw open the door
telling him "between you and me there can never be more"

He did naught as I though and start a new page
instead he stayed inside his heart's cage
Saying "I'll love you until the end of time,
"One day I'll find you and make you mine..."

copyright 2004 of Abbey Stemmler all rights reserved